200 POUND UNDERGROUND

I CAN DEAL WITH CHICKS SINGING AND THAT'S ABOUT IT -- PART ONE

A few months back, Jay Hinman called me his bro-in-arms or something regarding our love for the girlie sounds. He wrote something about him and me being the only ‘dorks’ that care. DORKS? Sir, we are not dorks! I’ll tell you who a dork is! A dork is someone who weeps when their CDR limited to 5 gets hosed down by a D.J. just trying to show a crowd abit of fun. A dork is someone who discovered the Circle Jerks last year and then wants to debate on the proper way to mosh during Hair Police. A dork is anyone who writes an eight hundred word review on anything musical. But most of all, a dork is anyone who doesn’t have virtual air conditioning rushing through the cracks in their toes when they hear something as vital and alive as Twinkle’s ‘What Am I Doing Here With You?’ or anything off of ‘Dusty in London’.


Like most things, I don’t consider myself some sorta ’real life’ expert on these sounds. The reason for this could be because of my humble, self-deprecating demeanor. Or it could be because I fear a nation of cardigan sporting dudes who live in their moms’ basements telling me my girl group tastes are ‘pedestrian at best’. Nonetheless, I know what I like’s and that’s all there is to it. On these past days of absolute swelter in the shelter, I cranked up the A.C. as high as it could go, put on my beehive wig and white lipstick and jammed the jams that make women swoon, men shudder and take cattle off their feed. Here’s a sampling --

Dusty Springfield - ‘I Start Counting’
Sort of a cheese bag fusion-like intro kicks this lush one off and then that voice that could sooth the harshest of sun blisters kicks in and makes me wish I had some sorta consistent hook-up on pills that make everything look like a scene outta ‘Casino Royale’. I could never go into the technicality of the actual sounds created here…I’m too much a dolt on that front. All I know is this lady’s voice has made my life seem not so shitty from the deserts of New Mexico to the grey tinged streets of Bed-Stuy. I’ve lifted many a gin and tonic in my living room on a lonely night to her. Maybe you should do the same…just make sure no one’s around.

Val McKenna - ‘House for Sale’
Like I stated above, I don’t claim to be some know-it-all on this shit. Most of my ‘knowledge’ of it comes off the beyond excellent ‘Dream Babes’ compilations that the ever lovin’ RPM label has been shooting out over the past few years. All I know is Val busted out some singles in the mid-60’s with James Page on them that are quite stellar. This one isn’t as dreamy as some of the other jams that’ll be listed. Even though it’s got kind of a sad vibe to it, this tune’s gotta hip movin’ feel about it that might get you either sympathy sex or two minutes on the dance floor with an actual girl. The decision is up to you.


The Caravelles - ’Hey Mama You’ve Been On My Mind’
Another one off a ’Dream Babes’ comp (Volume Five) that’s like a gush of strong sea air rushing through my constantly retreating hairline. Total limey Spector worship done by two London office girls that went by the names Lois Lane (!) and Andrea Simpson. This track mixed with a little weed, and a little a.c. will make you feel like you’re in heaven…or at least in someone else’s living room.


The Supremes - ‘I Wish I Was Your Mirror’
I don’t care what anyone sez…the Ross-free era of The Supremes is staggering. The whole record this one comes off of (‘New Ways But Love Stays’) is a blurring trip of good vibes. It could be World War Three outside while this song is on and I’d still be all smiles. Have you ever seen me smile? It’s quite an occurrence when it happens….trust me.


Twinkle - ‘Take Me To The Dance’
Hinman wasn’t too impressed with ole Twinkie, but I think she’s the Brit girl shit. Most of her self penned tunes are heart string pullers about boy pals dying in motorcycle crashes and the like, but ‘Take Me To The Dance’ is a groover about nothing but the simple joys of being out and about with a person whose company you can tolerate for more than five minutes. I wish I could find that sorta bliss…

Abit ‘cut-off’ I agree, but I got more writing to do, hairs to be cut, rooms to be cleaned, and Odyssey records to listen to. If you’re in the Brooklyn area tomorrow (8/5) come on down to the Hook in Red Hook. Monotract is having a party for the release of their CD on Ecstatic Peace, ‘Xprmntl Lvrs’. So far, it’s one of my favorite things I’ve heard all year. It makes my hips move like rubber wheels and I can’t say that about much else out there. You’ll also get the chance to check out Magik Markers, Mouthus and the NY premiere of Canada’s Panopiticon Eyelids, another thing that’s sure to turn your socks to shit. DJ’s will be DJ Beard, DJ Gray and DJ Gaye. See you there…